omg the reason was because I was over-complicating things! I'd added the vspeed and hspeed to the collision calculation COMPLETELY wont. Extracting it with fancy maths.
Turns out even if you use speed + direction, hspeed and vspeed still have values!!
It's been so long since I made/looked at the placeholder Stats Screen I totally forgot about this animation*. Heck, it's still got the old Goblin teeth