Can somebody please translate this into English?

Hi there, care to sign my petition?

I'LL HAVE SOMEONE'S ASS FOR DINNER!!!!

My dad sent this to me yesterday. It is now my phone wallpaper.

Install Now

Little quickie I did.

Reject UwUdozer, return to Dogezer.

I look up LEGO Batman, and what do I see?

THIS.

MASTAHPEECE.

"Don't blame me, peg the kid with the keyboard!"

Remastered Minecraft skin.