Can somebody please translate this into English?

I'LL HAVE SOMEONE'S ASS FOR DINNER!!!!

My dad sent this to me yesterday. It is now my phone wallpaper.

Install Now

Remastered Minecraft skin.

"Don't blame me, peg the kid with the keyboard!"

Little quickie I did.

Hi there, care to sign my petition?

I look up LEGO Batman, and what do I see?

THIS.

MASTAHPEECE.

Reject UwUdozer, return to Dogezer.